Question: Is my fantasy unhealthy?

I received an email from a listener today and I thought I’d share it because this gentleman isn’t as alone as he thinks and I see this as a great opportunity to address a topic that creates a lot of ambivalence and shame in people:

The problem is I’ve become obsessed with the idea of ‘forced orgasm’ and rape and I dont know if I should hate myself for it. I understand that such fantasies are acceptable in women because they are actually still in control so its not a breach of their consent. But I wondered if it was ok for men to have these fantasies – given that from a male perspective, consent is imagined to be denied. Is it worse for men to have these fantasies than women? Should I try to focus on more healthy fantasies?

My response to him was:

This is a very controversial and somewhat taboo topic. I’m glad you wrote me, because I welcome the opportunity to put your mind at ease.

Many women despise themselves for their rape fantasies, and many men despise themselves for their rapist fantasies.

Intellectually, we know the reasons why it is morally and ethically “wrong” to desire this, but for all that we try to sublimate it, the fantasy remains.

Why?

Because it is something primal in us. We’re mammals, and in most mammalian species, the male subjugates the female in order to mate. Most females will only mate with a male who can overpower her no matter how hard she fights him — because she is looking for a candidate who can pass the strength and aggression survival traits on to her offspring. It is our heritage: Passion. Violence. Sex.

So, no, I don’t think it is worse for men to have these fantasies than women. Should you try to focus on “more healthy” fantasies? Well, some might argue that fantasies in which you are an alpha male aggressor are very healthy. Fantasies are fantasies and they are only problematic when 1) You can only achieve orgasm when you are focused on that fantasy and/or 2) You seriously consider implementing a fantasy which would cause lasting physical or psychological damage to yourself or another.

It is possible, with good communication, to act out such a fantasy with a partner, but of course, there must be trust. I have a thing for forced orgasms, both giving and receiving, and I have explored it countless times.

Bottomline: There is nothing wrong with you. You’re not a bad man because of this fantasy. My best advice is to encourage you to develop a diverse base of masturbatory fantasies so that you don’t develop the sorts of problems that were mentioned in my “When a fetish takes over” podcast.

Lastly, sometimes this type of fantasy has complicated psychological under-currents that point to feeling thwarted or frustrated in your personal or professional life, and if that is the case, I encourage you to explore ways to resolve those issues because prolonged stress isn’t healthy for you.