Silken on Sex #78:

It is fair to say that I’m an enthusiastic masturbator and sex toy aficionado. My primary partner calls me his pervy dirty girl, and fortunately is not threatened by my self-pleasuring practices. He knows that my libido is off-the-charts and that it takes a herculean effort on anyone’s part (including my own) to keep me feeling satisfied for more than a few hours at a time. But he does try, and between his efforts and mine, we keep things very interesting.

Which is where my chest full of sex toys comes in.

I am grateful to be a woman, and grateful that so many people have put so much ingenuity and effort into accessorizing women’s pleasures.  Toys to fulfill our every pleasure, fantasy, and sexual need line the shelves of thousands of adult stores all over the world. And fortunately for men, I’ve noticed that the numbers of male-oriented toys out there in the market has increased dramatically in the past decade.

While sex toys are great for self-pleasuring, they are also invaluable tools for spicing things up between couples. Sex can become pretty routine amongst couples, something scheduled for Sunday nights after the kids are in bed and the dog has been walked and the garbage put out. And for those couples who don’t have children, too. I know too many couples for whom sex and intimacy have taken a back-burner to more career-oriented pursuits. The end result of all this is that people grow sexually frustrated and/or bored with their same-ole same-ole sex lives, and start looking for a way to spice things up — often in the form of finding someone else. But as we all know, once that New Relationship Energy (NRE) fades, we fall back into the same boring habits and ways of being, which simply fuels the cycle of serial monogamy. I’m of the opinion that everyone should make fucking like they’re hoping to keep “porn star” as an economic fallback position part of their routine — and there are so many sex toys and accessories to facilitate fun, experimental, and even downright steamy “rock star” sex.

With that thought in mind, I am sharing Silkenvoice’s Top 15 Sex Toys & Aids in three categories: those for women, men, and couples, followed up with recommendations on sex how-to guides and porn. I swing both ways with regards to sex partners, and while my recommendations target the larger heterosexual audience, they are also useful for gays and lesbians.

Women

1. A wand massager like a Hitachi Magic Wand or similar knock off like the Adam & Eve Massager is a must-have for most women, save those with uber-sensitive clits. There are even a variety of attachments to put mind-blowing orgasms within your grasp.
2. A rechargeable Jackrabbit is a joy. Mine has paid for itself man times over in batteries not purchased.  There is also a large selection of battery-operated rabbit vibes to suit every shape of woman and her stimulation needs. If they are out of your price-range, don’t worry–there are a lot of vibrating dildos out there. If you don’t have one, get one. It will make your toes curl.
3. The Voila Massager is thin and flat, and one of my favorite finds. It can be cupped in the fingertips of one hand for those ladies who like to masturbate laying on their bellies, as well as being perfect for clitoral stimulation during sex — it is thin enough not to get in the way — it has 7 levels of vibration and pulsation, and best of all, it is rechargeable!
4. A slender glass dildo, which can be warmed up to body temperature in water, is great for anal  play. I recommend that or the EZ Bend anal vibrator. A lot women are very hesitant about anal play but I’ve got to tell you, try it, and keep trying, until you’ve relaxed enough to enjoy it. Anal orgasms are thrilling and intense.
5. The Sybian, which is an amazing fucking machine that rocks my world, or for 1/10th the cost, The Loveseat. I had one of these until I got my Sybian, and I loved it. It is a saddle of sorts for a massaging wand, and you can purchase a remote to control the wand’s vibration with — for hand’s free pleasure.

Men

1. The Aneros prostate massager. Many men are even more leery of anal pleasure than women are, which is a pity. The Aneros is worth getting past your reservations for — how would you like to experience full-body orgasms like women do? I’ve seen the Aneros make men cum without any stimulation of the penis. Very hot! There is also a unisex version for men and women called Peridise that I haven’t tried yet.
2. The Fleshlight is the ultimate stroker toy for men. It looks like a flashlight on the outside and inside is soft pink flesh-like material that provides suction. I love to use it to jack-off guys I’ve tied up :)
3. Massager Masturbator Sleeve: If you’ve got a Hitachi Magic Wand or similar wand massager in the house, you must get one of these. Slip the sleeve over your cock, fit the head of the massager into the cup, and turn it on. It will make your eyes roll back in your head, your body tighten, and your toes curl. Oh, and you’ll cum, too.
4. The EZ bend anal vibrator is a toy I’ve also recommended for women.  It is great for men because you can bend the tip to the angle you need to stimulate and vibrate your prostate at the same time. This can also produce full-body orgasms for men.
5. The Venus 2000 machine does all the work for men. It has an infinitely adjustable stroke length and speed for hands-free fun. Guys can just lay back and moan and writhe like a woman. I find it very fun to use on men I’ve tied down.

Couples

Sex toys can really spice up your sex life, alleviating the routine and adding new repertoire.

1. Adjustable penis extender: I’m not going to lie, some days we wish your cock was bigger, just like some days you wish we were tighter. With this, couples get both. Made of super stretchy rubber, this will add 2″ to your length and a bit of added girth, while at the same time giving your cock a sweet squeeze. It easily fits over the penis and includes ticklers for additional pleasure for your partner. If you find that the sleeve is too long for you, just cut the sheath until you find the desired size.
2. Strap-on vibrating harness: This is a sturdy, adjustable harness that will accommodate most dildos, and even comes with a vibrating bullet. Real women wear strap-ons, and so do men. I have one friend who straps on John Holmes when his women-friends have worn him down to a nub. Enjoy the confidence and power of a cock that won’t stop, regardless of your gender.
3. Sex sling with cuffs: Ever gotten a cramp in your hip or ass trying to hold your leg in that perfect position for more than a few minutes? I have. What a mood-killer. The sex sling is a fun device that makes creative positions possible. I like to put the padded neck portion along my shoulders instead of my neck. Experiment and enjoy.
4. Sex wedge/ramp:  One word — Comfortable. One of my partners picked up this wedge when I pulled a muscle in my back that had me in physical therapy for 4 weeks. Not only did it make sex possible, but it fueled lots of ideas for when my range of motion returned. This particular Libertator brand of wedge comes with a booklet chock full of positions. I’ve tried them all.
5. Restraints/bondage gear: If you don’t have any bondage gear, you’re missing out on one of the best ways to spice up your sex life. If you’re curious, but don’t know where to start, I recommend the Under The Bed Restraint System — especially if you don’t have a headboard or footboard conducive to tying someone up.

Great Sex How-To eBooks

I’ve recommended all these toys and aids, but don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you hanging. In addition to the information available on my site and in my stories, I’m also going to list my Top 5 Great Sex How-to Books — available in eBook formats from Amazon.com:

1. How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do by Candida Royale. This is a primer for women on how to be dominant in the bedroom.
2. She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. If your female partner seems to be disinterested in sex, read this book and change everything.
3. Never Have the Same Sex Twice: A Guide for Couples by Alison Tyler. Each new chapter begins with a hot story and follows up with great ideas on how to keep sex from becoming routine.
4. The Ultimate Guide to Strap-on Sex: A Complete Resource for Women and Men by Karlyn Lotney. Buy that strap-on harness I recommended and this book and try something different on.
5. A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie B. Mintz. You think you’re too tired for sex? Read this book and think again.

Got Porn?

Lastly, if you’re looking for decent porn that isn’t going to install Trojans (and I don’t mean the condoms) on your computer, these are my Top 5 Free Porn Sites:

1. SilkenOnSex.com – Hot erotic stories in both text and audio formats that men, women, and couples enjoy, some of which are free, and some for purchase.
2. Spankwire.com – The best I’ve found yet. Well-organized and carries broad variety of porn in categories from anal to anime and fetish to voyeur.
3. Redtube.com – Free porn. Membership on site allows downloads as well as streaming
4. Youporn.com – Free porn. Membership on site allows downloads as well as streaming
5. BeautifulAgony.com – There is nothing hotter than watching someone masturbate to orgasm.

Related articles

• Toy Story: Your Guide to Erotic Playthings (lifescript.com)
• Houston inventor in sex toy court battle (mysanantonio.com)
• 8 Crazy Facts About Sex Toys (hellobeautiful.com)
• The 5 Most Popular Vibrators (marieclaire.com)

Silken on Sex #76: Midori, sex-educator extraordinaire, has put out a call stating that she wants Women’s Words on their Orgasms. So I sent her mine.

When I become aroused
I start with a feeling of warmth
of increasing languidness
I can feel my skin flushing
feel the flush of heat
inside me
feel the flutter of muscles
inside me
feel the juices beginning to flow from
inside me

As my arousal heightens
my breathing quickens
my skin pebbles
my nipples harden
the skin of my breasts tightens
my clit twitches
my inner muscles clench
which
sends more pleasure signals
waves of gooseflesh
nipples ache
and fluids seep from
inside me

When I am ready to orgasm
my body tightens
every muscle hums
like the string of a bow pulled back
pulled back farther
my nerves scream with built-up orgasmic energy
my nipples and clit pulse with every beat of my heart
my thighs tighten like a trap
my inner muscles clamp
clamp hard
on something or nothing
it does not matter

it
is the clamping down
again
and again
that
does
it

And I am flung

into orgasm
breath halted
mouth opened
my body lengthening
legs straightening
toes curling
muscles clenching
releasing
milking
nerves humming with excruciating pleasure
and then I hit

that

target

galvanized into motion
Yes! Yes!
breath released explosively
followed by a deep inhalation
released slowly in a long
sometimes loud
moan
that becomes gasps
as the after-shocks
rock me
inside
and
out
rocking me like a boat
languidly
and with an occasional jolt
of slowly ebbing orgasmic energy
mmmmmmmmmmm

The more stressed I am, the more I want sex. Want it to the point where I can find repeated statements in my journal to the effect that I felt I needed sex. Not comfort, not conversation, not food, not sleep. Sex. Which many people I know consider rather strange. “How can you want sex at a time like this?” is a question I was asked recently, and not for the first time.

I’ve noticed a correlation between my drive for sex and my exposure to stress, especially that very un-sexy form of stress relating to death and dying. Given that in the past three years there have been five cancer diagnoses, two non-cancer related catastrophic illnesses, two deaths, and one impending death in my family, as well as my tendency to write down my thoughts and experiences, I’ve got a wealth of anecdotal material chronicling my responses to this sort of stress. And my response is usually: “Let’s fuck!”

When I examine it from psychological perspective it makes a lot of sense: sex is the exercise of the procreative urge and thus the antithesis of death. It is an affirmation of life. From a biological standpoint, sex stimulates the release of four important molecules responsible for feelings of bliss: dopamine, anandamide, endorphins, and oxytocin. Now, when you’re sad, stressed, and anxious, doctors are always eager to offer anti-depressants, mood-elevators, and anti-anxiety meds, but I’ve found that none of them work so well as that hormonal cocktail my body releases when I’ve had a really good session in the bedroom  (or the bathroom, or the kitchen, or the beach, or… or…).

In some ways, I’m an orgasm-junkie. When I’m mad at my partner and my adrenaline is flowing, I want to fuck. Lets get some of that oxytocin and serotonin and vasopressin flowing as well. Frustrated at work? I take a break in my car or the ladies room for a quick release and almost instantaneous attitude adjustment. Sad? There’s nothing like a lover’s hands and eyes and voice to raise my spirits, make me feel loved and desired. Generally stressed? I want to lose myself in a world of pleasure and sensation and I seek it out as soon as I am able.

Now, as I’ve been researching the issue of Sex and Stress (see related articles below), I’ve noticed a lot of articles, reports, and blog posts stating that stress suppresses sex drive in men and women alike — which struck me as very odd. While I know I’m different in my own subtle ways, I am not a mutant freak of nature. So why is it that I turn to masturbation, intercourse, etc — self-soothing as my therapist used to call it — when everyone else seems to dry up to the point that sex seems to be the furthest thing on their minds?

The answer, I think, is that for most people, sex itself is stressful. Which totally sucks. The best stress-reliever in the world, the best source of bliss, well-being, and contentment drugs in the world — the act of making love with someone — is stressful for most people. Which makes me sad, and is a primary motivator for the erotic work I do: trying to make sex something positive in a society for which sexual self-expression has so many negative connotations.

There is a lot of material out there about how to deal with stress interfering with your sex life, but not so much out there about how to deal with feeling stressed about sex itself. Other than popping viagra or cialis, of course. Perhaps it is because there is a unspoken agreement that people should feel stressed about sex?  I don’t know.

What I do know is that sex is natural, desire is natural, and the desire for sex is natural. Sex produces a wide range of positive biochemical effects in people. And it is a great stress-reliever in and of itself. So the next time someone asks you “You want sex now? At a time like this?” say “Hell yeah!” and head for the nearest bed.

Related articles

• Sex, Stress, and Neurogenesis (scienceblogs.com)
• Sex or a Good Night’s Sleep? (lifescript.com)
• Sex Does a Body Good (lifescript.com)
• Well-laid and laid-back (psychology today)
• When it Comes to Sex and Dating, We Suck (chicagonow.com)
• Is It Still “Good Sex” If You Don’t Have an Orgasm? (marieclaire.com)
• 7 ways to beat stress for better sex (idiva.com)
• This just in: Sex relieves stress (salon.com)
• Stress: Sex is the first casualty (london times)
• The science of love (youramazingbrain.org)
• Sex and Death, Connection of (deathreference.com)

A: Paul, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. If you ever listen to Dan Savage, he cautions against what he calls the “death grip” during masturbation. He speaks to the vanilla community for the most part, but his words are applicable to practitioners of kinky/fetish sexuality as well. What does be mean by “death grip” masturbation? Finding what works and never deviating from it. Males discover at rather young ages that if they touch themselves in a certain way, it feels really, really good and then they cum. And having found that path to the ultimate superfeeling, they rarely try anything else. Do that for decades and it becomes more and more likely that you’ll “need” that specific stimulation to cum. Women also fall into the same trap.  We find a certain way of touching ourselves or a specific kind of vibrator or dildo that finally makes it possible for us to climax and then we stick to it, repeating as necessary, ad nauseum.

You say you are a fetishist, which means that some inanimate object (a shoe, a hairbrush, panties, etc) is sexually charged for you in ways that it is not for others. Often, this is tied to a childhood experience — like you were sitting under the kitchen table touching yourself and your mother walked in wearing a certain kind of shoe that was forever cemented in your memory. Maybe she even caught you touching yourself and shamed you. Turned you over her knee and pulled your pants down and spanked you with her hairbrush — which felt good because her soft skirt rubbed up against your naughty bits. These sorts of occurrences are usually the genesis of fetishes. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you, either. It was simply your first naughty “zing” experience and you’ve built more and more elaborate fantasies over it in order to keep that “naughty zing” feeling going.

So, assuming that you are healthy, ie that you aren’t a diabetic with neuropathy or taking medication that interferes with arousal or blood-flow, there isn’t anything wrong with you.  When, as you’ve said in your case, you can only achieve orgasm if the circumstances are just-so, and that bothers you or your partner, well, then I would say that you have a problem rather than that there is something wrong. If, for example, you can’t cum unless you are on your knees masturbating imagining a woman in a black latex catsuit whipping your cock with a crop, well, likely this is because you’ve spent years fine-tuning this fantasy. I would be surprised if it wasn’t getting harder and harder for you to climax or that you are having to imagine more and more extreme things in order to get off. If this is indeed the case, change is in order.

First, I’d like to remind you that sex isn’t necessarily about climaxing. Most women get this, because many of us cannot achieve orgasm during intercourse. If most women don’t cum during sex (or even masturbation), you might be thinking “why bother?” The answer is simple: we do it because it feels good.

Second, let go of your death grip and get back in touch with your body. Empty your mind — don’t entertain your normal fantasies, don’t look at your usual porn. If you absolutely must engage your mind, locate erotic stories in text or audio formats in a completely different genre than your usual. Change hands. Close your eyes. Explore your body. Touch those places you never touch. Tease your nipples. Twiddle with the shaft-skin, especially the frenulum just underneath the head of your cock. On many men it can be as sensitive as a woman’s clit but most never know they’ve got such an amazing pleasure point there. Play with your balls — roll them around, tug on the skin. Press behind and underneath your balls until you feel it deep inside, where your prostate is.  Try toys for men, like the Aneros or the Fleshlight. I recommend them often and none of the men I know who’ve tried them have any regrets, except perhaps that they didn’t try them sooner.

Third, when you find a new method of stimulation that you can come from, repeat it a couple of times to make sure you’ve got it down, and move on. Keep trying to discover new ways to make yourself come. Think of it as a scavenger hunt with your body as the map and each new way of coming as buried treasure just waiting to be discovered.

And four, invite your partner to participate. Men are used to doing a lot of work to make a woman cum, what with all the finger and tongue action, the toys, the positions, the faster, the slower, the right-there-don’t-stop etc. Ask your wife for the same courtesy. Invite her to help you explore your body and discover new erogenous zones that will give you the same zing you felt when you first discovered what sexual pleasure was.

If none of the above works for you, try finding a sex therapist or sex coach — a sexological bodyworker, for example  — or a local group focused on exploring tantric sex. The important thing is to recognize that your habitual way of masturbating now has control of your sexuality and to commit to doing whatever it takes to reclaim that control.

And lastly, Paul, thank you for the compliment on my voice. I do, indeed, record custom audio stories, guided masturbation sessions, and more. Email me if you want more information.

—

Bored with your sex life?  Looking for a way to spice things up? Silkenvoice spins hot erotic stories for your listening pleasure. Visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com for audibly erotic tales that are intimately told.

Arising from my bed. The world is still asleep. Silence. Its almost tangible. It lays over my ears like an amplifier. Every creak, every squirrel chitter, every bird twitter, is audible, even from inside.

Coffee. Micro-roasted, the ‘Fat Albert’ blend. The scent is amazing, the taste as amazing as the scent, its flavor moderated with a dollop of heavy cream. Real cream.

It is moist outside. The air caresses my skin, masking my face in cool mist. So refreshing and invigorating. Green. So many shades of green. The guest from England said we have more shades of green here even than in the British Isles. The daffodils and tulips are blooming. The bamboo is dangling diamond droplets from its leaves. The primroses are showing their colours, and my winter daphne is still blooming, sharing its scent with the breeze.

Life. “Every day you wake up and then there’s a new day,” says a very dear friend. Ambivalence or Acceptance? Striving to enjoy the sensual immediacy of the moment–of every moment–even with the concerns of the day pressing, pressing, always pressing. Pressure in my pelvis. An easy pressure to release.

Deep breath. Scanning my body. Holding tension in my shoulders, my abdomen, my low back. Exhaling. Shoulders drop, hips shift. Better.

Back inside. Altar. Lighting incense. Sitting zazen. A nod to Buddha, so sanguine and magnanimous. Om. A timeless moment of blankness, of purity. Better. Much better.

Breath. Breathing. Drawing energy upwards from my pelvis. Hips rolling forward as I inhale, rolling back as I exhale. Gentle pressure along my perineum and the entrance to my vagina. Arousal rises with the gentle rocking, and with it, heat.

More rocking breaths, more heat, more energy to draw up, up, up through the top of my head. As the energy flows, so does the wetness. I can feel my labia part as I breathe and rock, breathe and rock, feeling the power of my arousal, so pure, so languid. There is no urgency, only pleasure radiating through me, orange-gold and potent.

The brush of my fingers against my labia sends a thrill up my spine. Nipples harden, sending the thrill back down my belly, racing toward my clitoris. Breath. Breathe. Breathing. Rocking. Rolling. Pressing. Pressing the button, reversing the flow of energy, flooding my pelvis.

Orgasm. Bliss. Hiccuping breath. More rocking. More breathing. Another caress of my mound. Fingers pressing. Orgasm and bliss. Endless cycle until breathing is ragged and I find myself laying on my back, staring at the ceiling.

No-thought. No tension. Just bliss.

Good morning, world.

—

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A: I started with anal sex around age 19 or 20. The reason? My boyfriend at the time was too long for me. Weird, eh? I have a retroverted uterus, and I can put a finger inside me and feel my cervix right there, so you can imagine, I just don’t have a lot of room. Bleeding after vigorous vaginal sex is not uncommon. So… I decided to try anal.

And loved it.

Over the years I’ve learned some things I am happy to pass along:

1. Prepare with foreplay. Stimulate that spot with a finger or even a bullet vibe. Put a small toy in and wiggle it around. Tease it. Relax and grow comfortable with the feeling of something “up in there.”
2. There is such a thing as too much lube. Too much lube means the cock slides in too fast, which makes me see stars. It can also mean too little friction — and friction is what makes for those amazing anal orgasms.
3. Some women are sensitive to the prostaglandins in semen, so if you’re going to have anal, its a good idea to use a condom so she doesn’t cramp up later on. And if you are going to use a condom, don’t use a latex one because…
4. The best lube I’ve found yet, in 20 years of anal sex, is cocoa butter creme (which is oil-based and so latex might break). Rub a dab into her rosebud and the head of your cock and you will have a good ride with just enough friction and not too much glide.
5. Use a Magic Wand or other vibrator on her clit. Get it firmly pressed there. The pleasure from the clitoral stimulation will help ease the initial pain of penetration.
6. Tell her to wriggle her ass. Once the head of the cock pops through, it is going to hurt. So wriggling your ass around on that cock really helps.
7. Let her do the pushing. Let her push herself back up onto you. Have her do her Kegels — clench and release her muscles on your cock. Good muscle control really makes a difference, and clenching and releasing early on makes it easier to get past the pain, relax, and get into the actual sex.
8. Tell her it is ok  to say “stop!”  For many women it can be excruciating to have a partner continue thrusting after she’s climaxed.

And one last thing: It is fair for her to say “You first!” I generally don’t let a man near my ass until I’ve shown him how it is done — on him. So if you really want to try anal sex then consider inviting her to play with your ass first. Every man I’ve introduced to the pleasures of anal play has loved it. (But that is a story for another day).

Bottom line, there are as many nerve endings around your anus as there are around your mouth. Yes, anal sex can be intensely painful, but it can also be intensely pleasurable. Anal sex is why “It hurts so good” was coined. Once you’ve had a combined anal and clitoral (or penile) orgasm, you will *get* why there are so many anal enthusiasts out there ;)

Good luck.

—

Save 25% on any erotic audio between St Patrick’s Day and April Fool’s Day 2010. Just use the coupon code 0467515R when you make any purchase over $5.00.

Q: “Can you please write something on achieving multiple orgasms??? I find that after oral, when I have an orgasm, it’s over. I am over-sensitive and ticklish. Tips please?”

A: The medical establishment now recognizes that multiple orgasms are possible, and not just porn flick mythology. According to Barbara Bartlik, MD, at Weill Medical College, all women capable of achieving orgasms are capable of achieving multiple orgasms.

That said, the ability to have multiple orgasms is learned — in much the same way we learn to get that first one. And once you’ve done the hard work of getting the first one, the others are easier.

How do I know this? Well, I learned about multiple orgasms through the forced orgasm kink. I had a wonderfully sensual Dominant partner who tied me up and made me come over and over again, ignoring my begging and screaming for him to stop. After an hour I’d come a dozen times and was completely wrung out. I was limp, my body occasionally rippled with post-orgasmic jolts, and I was incapable of speaking coherently. Sounds great, right? Yes and no. I didn’t want to give up control of my clit, so someone had to take it from me. And for someone naturally dominant, it was akin to torture. After that breakthrough, however, I got it and never lost it. Having multiple orgasms is sort of like riding a bicycle.

So… tips on achieving multiple orgasms:

1) On the physical side, in order to achieve additional orgasms, you must press past the sensitivity and languidness that you feel after your initial one. I know how excruciatingly sensitive your clit is after coming, but you, or you partner, needs to keep going, to keep the arousal level up. You don’t necessarily have to keep stimulating the clitoris immediately afterwards. I have been known to climb up the headboard to avoid direct clitoral stimulation after coming (which is where being tied up can come in handy :) Instead, you can back off of it and focus on other errogenous zones, but within a couple of minutes, you must return to the clit, preferably with a vibrator of some sort. Fingers or a dildo applying hard and fast direct pressure to the G-Spot while the clitoris is stimulated will make a woman come, and can make us squirt, too :) Just make sure you have lots of lubrication, preferably your own. Orgasms have half-lifes. What I mean by that is this: if it takes you 20 minutes for your first one, it make take 10 for the second, and 5 for the third, and then eventually, they just come hard and fast one after the other until the stimulation ends or you are completely exhausted. Eventually, for some women, the toys aren’t necessary. Many of us have trained ourselves to come on demand. It is a mental ‘trick’ of sorts — like a button that rises up when we are sufficiently aroused, and that we can push whenever we want.

2) On the mental/emotional side, the only way you are going to be able to have multiple orgasms is if you are completely open to it. You must trust yourself and your partner, and you must relax into it. The wrong kinds of stress or attention to the topic will simply distract you. You need to push your mind and the critical little voice in your head that says “my inner thighs are too fat I wish he wouldn’t caress them” etc, ASIDE. Your partner thinks you are beautiful and desirable or he or she wouldn’t be there. Your body is a sensory array. Allow yourself to feel with it. Let go and lose yourself in the pure sensuality of the moment. It is a gift to yourself and your partner.

3) Readiness and Build-up. This is what must come first, really, but I mention it last because it is more detailed:

Make sure you are rested. If your body is too tired, too stressed, or your mind too active, you will have a difficult time climaxing once, never mind several times.

In order for you to have good strong multiple orgasms, you need to have good, strong pubococcygeus muscles (PC). You can find Kegel exercises online that describe how to work the PC muscles in the pelvis — the exercise is a lot like ‘holding it’ when you have to pee. I do my Kegels all the time — when I’m driving, standing in line, laying in bed, etc. A secondary effect of these exercises is arousal. I tend to get hard nipples and wet panties when I do my kegels, and since I do them all the time, well… I’m almost always aroused. I can even come just from doing those exercises, if I want to, but I usually hold off. I let the arousal build up over the course of the day, and when I do have sex, I *need* more than one orgasm to feel sated. Its awesome!

Having mulitple orgasms is like a good workout with a sauna afterwards. You feel a little shaky, you sweat, and are purified. There is no more tension left in your body, and your mind is uncluttered. Some Buddhists liken enlightenment to orgasm, and after multi-orgasmic sex I always understand why.

—

If you’re like most of Silken’s audience, you want your erotic material explicit and kinky, but also sensual and intimate. Visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com — where high-quality erotic audios are the norm, and the fantasies are exceptional.

One of my female listeners contacted me recently with some questions:

I must admit that I’m envious of you, Silken. You express yourself so eloquently and you describe experiences that are beyond my wildest imaginings. Tame as it may be, my greatest fantasy these days is to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Why can’t I come? Do you have any advice for me?

I do. And the advice that follows is good for women and their lovers to hear:

For men, orgasm is required for procreation, and so you’ve evolved to go from limp to ejaculation in 3 minutes. For women all that is necessary is to have an egg in the chute. So if orgasm isn’t necessary, why is it possible? Well, part of it is that women have the same or simlar muscles that are involved in male orgasm. But the other part, I think, has to do with keeping men around–so listen up guys. In terms of procreation, if a male has no way of knowing when a female is fertile, then his object is to have intercourse with her as often as possible until she is impregnated — and what better way to make sure you will be welcomed again and again than to make a woman come?

In my experience, in order for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, she must be comfortable with herself and her partner, and highly aroused.

To facilitate your goal of orgasm during intercourse, my first recommendation would be to masturbate frequently–if you can’t come solo, it is unlikely that you will be able to come with anyone else. For me, any excuse to masturbate will do, especially when I am feeling frustrated. Most women need an erotic fantasy in their minds, whether it is watching a sexy movie, reading or listening to erotica like mine or playing through your own personal sexual fantasy. It is important to begin with this, with getting your mind into the mood, because your body will follow, and your mind and body both have to be aroused in order for orgasm to happen.

If you have difficulty climaxing with masturbation, I would recommend purchasing a Hitachi Magic Wand. It is an amazing vibrator, useful both for sex and for muscle massage. There are different places to press the vibrator–some women put it directly over the clit(with or without padding) while others, like me, press it against the pubic arch between the clit and the vaginal opening, or against the perineum between the vaginal opening and the anus. Experiment. There is no wrong way to do it–however it feels best is what is best for you.

Once you’ve got masturbating to orgasm down, I recommend that you invite your partner to watch you. He or she can learn a lot from watching where you touch yourself, what tempo you use, and what your body language looks like as your arousal level peaks. From there, the next step would be to let your partner help with your masturbation, whether it is massaging your clit or nipples, or slipping fingers inside you. A woman’s capacity for pleasure is immense and women are amazing when they climax — most partners are only to happy to be a part of the process.

I had difficultly climaxing with partners when I was younger, in fact, for years, the only way I could come during penetrative sex was with a vibrator on my clit and my partner pushed deep inside me with my legs locked around his hips. Once I got coming in that position down, I tried others. Doggie style with a vibrator on my clit was amazing, and in that position, it is possible to do the pre-orgasm muscle-lock without interfering with his pumping action. I also find that sitting astride my partner with the vibrator on my clit is a great way to climax–supposedly the easiest position for most women. In discovering what works for you, you must learn not to be shy about experimenting and asserting what you want, whether it is “Right there. Don’t stop”, or “Move a little to the left.” Also, Don’t expect your partner to be a mindreader, especially when you yourself aren’t certain about what you want. You might also consider inviting him or her to be a part of the process, lending your their experience and creativity.

I also recommend something many people don’t think about: Anal stimulation. There are as many nerve endings around that little spot as there are on your lips. This means that your ass is very sensitive and can be a source of tremendous pleasure. There are little bullet vibes that can be pressed against it — you don’t need penetration to experience incredible sensations. However, I can say that the most consistently amazing orgasms I’ve had involve anal penetration so I encourage you to go to an online shop like www.BabeLand.com and look at what toys are recommended for anal play.

For most women, vibrators and other toys are an integral part of sexual intercourse, and most partners, male and female alike, understand and accept it. Most people are willing to do whatever it takes to see that our partners get to experience the pinnacle of pleasure.

Ultimately, achieving orgasm, solo or with others, and with or without toys is about you. Being comfortable in your own skin, being comfortable exploring your body, and being comfortable finding erotic material that arouses you. Own your body. Relax into it. Accept the challenge of mastering your own pleasure. Recognize that youy don’t have to come to feel very, very good. Build on the erotic energy and you will come.

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If you’re seeking erotic stories that are both literate and realistic, raunchy and well-written, visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com — where high-quality erotic audios are the norm, and the fantasies are exceptional.

Q: Hi! I have a question. I’ve only ever been with men who are circumcized. I’ve dated a few who weren’t but we never got as far as sex because there is something about an uncircumcized penis that turns me off. I’ve recently heard from a couple of my girlfriends that they prefer their parners to be ‘intact’. What gives? Is there really a difference between cut and uncut men?

A: Yes there is a difference. The obvious difference is that a man who is intact has extra skin that covers his penis, whereas a cut man’s penis is exposed. You may find this difference unaesthetic. A lot of North American women who are not used to intact males do. But beyond aesthetics there are personal experiences and scientific data. I will go over both.

My own personal experience is that circumcized men have less sensitivity and tend to need more stimulation / time in order to achieve orgasm. There are benefits and drawbacks to this, from a woman’s perspective. A man needing longer to achieve orgasm means a woman has a better chance of getting hers, too. But the decreased sensitivity is problematic, because as the levels of desensitization increase, a man may need something other than penile stimulation to orgasm. He may need to visualize something in his mind, see something erotic to him, or have anal stimulation, or pain to push him over the edge. With intact men, the area of the penis that is protected by the foreskin is extremely sensitive — like lips, or like a clitoris — while the foreskin itself is sensitive on the inside and less so on the outside. I find that the levels of sensitivity of the glans and the ridge of the glans makes oral sex with an uncut man a lot more fun, as they are far more responsive. Lastly, I know men who were circumcized and went through the long and painful process of regrowing their foreskins, and they report that sex is much more pleasurable now that the head of the penis is not constantly exposed and chafed by clothing. I also know men who were circumcized as teens/adults. Most of them report that masturbation and sex are a lot less satisfying, and in many cases, frustrating, because they have difficulties achieving orgasm. I personally have concerns about the long-term effects of circumcision, particularly with regards to impotence. It makes sense to me that if my clitoris rubbed up against my panties every day for 40+ years, it would be very difficult for me to become aroused, no matter how much it is stimulated. Perhaps the huge market for impotency drugs like Cialis and Viagra here in the West is tied to the practice of circumcision. I think it bears more scrutiny, at any rate.

As for the scientific data: The intact human foreskin is richly innervated (has a lot of nerve-endings, like lips do) and contains holocrine glands (exocrine glands that produce protective lubricants). The human foreskin represents more than one third of the intact penis’s skin. Just as removing innervated skin or body parts has been found to affect the sensory pathways of the brain, scientists are researching the implication that removal of the foreskin affects sexual sensations and pathways, resulting in lowered excitability and a higher threshold for sexual arousal. A result of circumcision is the keratinization and desensitization of the surface epithelium of the glans penis. When the moistening, protective covering of the glans penis is removed, the skin on the surface of the glans penis dries out and becomes toughened and callused. Lastly, Dr. George Denniston (Clinical Asst Professor in Family Medicine, and Board Certified in Preventive Medicine) states that there is a correlation between the high incidence of impotence and circumcision in America. He also debunks the myth that circumcision is necessary for purposes of hygiene. Infections of the foreskin are rare, and there is statistically significant evidence that circumsized contract and spread STD’s more readily than intact men do.

Circumcision is a hot-button topic in the medical community in the US. There is a lot of vehement defence of circumcision, though, probably because of the known emotional impact of circumcision and bias among researchers. Since I was once a bio-researcher, I can say that it is not uncommon to design a study or experiment that proves the result one wishes to arrive at. Pharmaceutical companies do it all the time ;)

In sum: Yes, there is a difference. Emotional impacts aside, a circumsized penis is less sensitive after years of exposure to air and clothing, and circumcision is a likely culprit in both the impotency and HIV epidemics in the US. For more information, find your nearest search engine and input your question.

Perhaps it is the pagan in me, but I think the new year begins the day after winter solstice. The day after Longest Night. But for most people, the New Year begins according to the Julian calendar.

And so, according to this modern calendar, my New Year began with dreams. Dreams fueled by post-orgasmic endorphins. Endorphins from one of the strongest orgasms I’ve ever had. I was on edge for well-over half an hour, and when I climaxed, it was like an earthquake hit me–rolled through me in successive waves of orgasmic aftershocks. It lasted for a long long time, and when I was done, he urged me on again to one more. He knows I love the torment of trying to reach another climax on the heels of such an intensely satisfying cum. And when I was done, I fell immediately asleep. I know he spoke to me, but I do not remember the words, just the sound of his voice… and then sleep. And dreams.

I dreamed of all sorts of things.

One dream was that I was travelling overseas and was hit over the head, and when I came to myself I was walking with my bags rolling behind me, and they seemed to be too light. When I opened them they were empty, and I was panicked because my ID had been in my baggage. There was no way to prove who I was. It seemed very important to be able to prove who I was.

I dreamed of one friend as a swashbuckler. He strode up to me in his kilt, with a bottle of cognac in one hand and his hand on the hilt of his sabre. He pulled me to him for a kiss. I opened my mouth to him and time stopped. We fell into a dreamy place where kissing is the most intimate, sensual exporation of another person.

I dreamed of another friend, that we were snuggled on his couch, and his belgian shepherd licked my bare thigh, making me squirm against him, and he hugged me and his fingers found my nipple… and then I slid into another dream.

I dreamed about planting bulbs — that no sooner did I cover the bulbs with soil than they sprouted and started flowering. There was something frightening about it, about the accelerated growth, and I started putting the bulbs in the ground as fast as I could, to get them out of my hands. I was frantic, and when I realized it, I stopped, and sat back on my heels, and breathed, and in that moment I realized that I did not have to plant all of the bulbs in my hands, that I did not need to fear the sudden blossoming of the bulbs that I’d touched.

I dreamed of yet another friend and lover standing before me, so tall, so fucking tall, reminding me that he is a patient man, but not a saint. He appeared again, later on, tugging on nipple-clamps while his fingers worked inside me, even as I flogged someone else’s wife, my pretty little pony. The dream-memory of the pink stripes on her ass and the horse-tail dildo sticking out of it makes me wet, even as I type this.

I had many other dreams, most of them just little flashes in my head now. I slept until nearly noon, awakening groggy from last night’s cognac to an oddly quiet world. There was a soft light coming through the bedroom window, soft and diffuse, and when I got up, I knew why… the sky was bright and white with thick mist, and a light rain fell. I moved to the kitchen to brew coffee and while I waited, stood at the window and watched the rain fall on the bamboo leaves. Beyond the bamboo the golf course glistened, glowed with the green of new grass.

I settled into the armchair with a lap rug and my lap top computer and began my New Years conversations with friends and loved ones, still fuzzy from my rest and dreams. I resolved to do nothing today, especially no chores, and to do minimal cooking. I am a human being, not a human doing, and it seems like I’m always ‘doing’ something.

I have high hopes for this New Year. I dare to have hopes. Don’t you?

Q:  I’ve noticed that you’ve mentioned a few positions that are easy for you to climax in. What is your favorite, and why?

A: There are a lot of ways to have sex. I’ve had sex in lots of interesting places, both private and public, and I’ve enjoyed lots of positions and permutations since I’ve never limited myself to one gender or just two to a bed. But that said… well… When it comes down to it, my favorite position is missionary. It sounds boring, I know, but for me there is something magical about the intimacy of the missionary position. Yes, there are other positions in which I have more intense orgasms, but its not about that.

For me, there is nothing like having someone I feel deeply for over me, on me, in me. There is something about opening up, physically and emotionally. About looking into each other and sharing of ourselves. And the more comfortable I feel with my partner, the more likely I am to be open and free and, yes, multi-orgasmic.

“Why is it so difficult for me to get my O when I’m with my lover?” An online friend asked me almost despairingly. Which got me thinking.

In many ways, one could say that a woman’s sensual energy is boundless, and that when she readies herself for her lover she opens a gate to her sensual self. This gate is the barrier of restraint, and beyond it lies the Land of Pleasure. We know this land, and we do so love crossing over into it, and yet most women rarely enter. Why? Because we have a near-infinite capacity for pleasure, and men do not. Because arousal for us is not the flipping of a switch, but the unfolding of a flower following the rising sun. Because men aren’t as intuitive as they could be. And because the habit of disappointment is difficult to break. How often do women open themselves to full arousal only to find that their lover has finished just as she was getting started? What woman doesn’t half-expect her burgeoning arousal to become instant irritation because her boyfriend misread the signals and gave her nipples a hard tweak instead of a suck?

In their defense, men aren’t mind-readers — and neither are women. Each of us has a fair chance of getting our needs met if we communicate them clearly, provided that we understand what those needs are. And this is where it can get tricky for women. We need the long build-up. We need our minds aroused first, and then our bodies follow. We need to feel connected to our bodies, to be fully present to the pleasures of our own flesh before we are ready to grant a lover access. Only, sadly enough, many women don’t even know this about themselves. This lack of coherency means we expect our partners to intuit our needs — or expect them to fail miserably. Thus the habit of disappointment.

My recommendation to men is to begin the seduction of their lovers 5 or 6 hours before they hope for consummation. Send suggestive text messages to her cell phone. Leave an innocent voicemail in your sexiest voice. Tell her you can’t get the scent of her off your mind. Remind her of an encounter that you know was pleasurable for you both. Depending on how she responds, build the tension up. Ask her to remove her panties. See if she will meet you at lunch to give them to you. Message her that you have to go into a meeting but your cock is hard from the memory of her taste / smell / skin / sounds. Ask her to take off from work an hour early so she can go for a massage / pedicure, or to find the surprise waiting for her at home. Be creative, appreciative, and if possible, both raunchy and respectful. Women have their raunchy sides and they’d show them more often if not for the fear of seeming ‘less’ in their lovers eyes.

And my advice to women? Take the time to open the gate to your sensual self — prepare yourself for your lover. Take a long bath in scented water. Shave yourself slowly, letting your fingers trail over the smooth skin. Imagine your lover’s enjoyment of that silken flesh. Rub oil into your skin — everywhere. Touch yourself. Enjoy the weight of your breasts and the sensitivity of your nipples. Slide your hands down over your hips and dip them between your thighs. Caress your neck and shoulders. Put your hair up in a suggestive bedroom-do. Wear something soft, something that makes you feel sexy. Tease him with naughty messages. Tell him you’re not wearing panties. Wear a garter belt and stockings under your skirt on a windy day, and enjoy the knowledge that you’ve made several men happy when you walked by. Flirt. Exercise. Glow with happiness and sensuality. Be feminine in a way that is natural to you. Tell your lover exactly what you want, in the most explicit language you can use. Do these things and you can walk through the gate to the Land of Pleasure without fear of disappointment. You will be ready for a banquet of sensuality, and he will be your devoted diner.