No worries! I haven’t forgotten my readers, my listeners, or my passion for telling naughty stories — I’ve just been side-tracked by life.

This year I’ve buried my father’s brother and watched my youngest sister’s decline from cancer. It has been simultaneously difficult and rewarding, dealing with terminal illness, but more than anything, it is all-consuming. Most of my energy has been dedicated to helping my family (and myself) through this difficult time.

On the good-news side of the spectrum, my short story “Internet Cafe Au Lay” was just published in Violet Blue’s Sweet Confessions: Erotic Fantasies for Couples anthology, which you can find on Amazon. Another story of mine “Cherry Blossom” has been accepted for publication in Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Women in Lust: Erotic Stories anthology. Look for it to come out in October or November — right around the time I’ll be in Bali for a much-needed vacation.

My primary partner and I have also bought a house on the peninsula just south of San Francisco. I love the City, but the chilly wind and fog chased me out of town, so now I’m in a sunny patch near a marina on the Bay. I think I might even get a bit of a tan this year! As always with a new place, unpacking and settling in has been time-consuming, but I got my vocal booth set up recently so I’m hoping to resume regular Silken On Sex podcasts and custom recordings by the end of July.

My thanks to all of you who have contacted me over the past several months and expressed your support upon learning about my situation. And of course, my thanks to all of you who have purchased audios at my Silken on Sex shop! It really does make a difference.

The problem is I’ve become obsessed with the idea of ‘forced orgasm’ and rape and I dont know if I should hate myself for it.  I understand that such fantasies are acceptable in women because they are actually still in control so its not a breach of their consent.  But I wondered if it was ok for men to have these fantasies – given that from a male perspective, consent is imagined to be denied. Is it worse for men to have these fantasies than women? Should I try to focus on more healthy fantasies?

My response to him was:

This is a very controversial and somewhat taboo topic. I’m glad you wrote me, because I welcome the opportunity to put your mind at ease.

Many women despise themselves for their rape fantasies, and many men despise themselves for their rapist fantasies.

Intellectually, we know the reasons why it is morally and ethically “wrong” to desire this, but for all that we try to sublimate it, the fantasy remains.

Why?

Because it is something primal in us. We’re mammals, and in most mammalian species, the male subjugates the female in order to mate.  Most females will only mate with a male who can overpower her no matter how hard she fights him — because she is looking for a candidate who can pass the strength and aggression survival traits on to her offspring.  It is our heritage: Passion. Violence. Sex.

So, no, I don’t think it is worse for men to have these fantasies than women. Should you try to focus on “more healthy” fantasies? Well, some might argue that fantasies in which you are an alpha male aggressor are very healthy. Fantasies are fantasies and they are only problematic when 1) You can only achieve orgasm when you are focused on that fantasy and/or 2) You seriously consider implementing a fantasy which would cause lasting physical or psychological damage to yourself or another.

It is possible, with good communication, to act out such a fantasy with a partner, but of course, there must be trust. I have a thing for forced orgasms, both giving and receiving, and I have explored it countless times.

Bottomline: There is nothing wrong with you. You’re not a bad man because of this fantasy. My best advice is to encourage you to develop a diverse base of masturbatory fantasies so that you don’t develop the sorts of problems that were mentioned in my “When a fetish takes over” podcast.

Lastly, sometimes this type of fantasy has complicated psychological under-currents that point to feeling thwarted or frustrated in your personal or professional life, and if that is the case, I encourage you to explore ways to resolve those issues because prolonged stress isn’t healthy for you.

*  *  *

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Silken on Sex #76: Midori, sex-educator extraordinaire, has put out a call stating that she wants Women’s Words on their Orgasms. So I sent her mine.

When I become aroused
I start with a feeling of warmth
of increasing languidness
I can feel my skin flushing
feel the flush of heat
inside me
feel the flutter of muscles
inside me
feel the juices beginning to flow from
inside me

As my arousal heightens
my breathing quickens
my skin pebbles
my nipples harden
the skin of my breasts tightens
my clit twitches
my inner muscles clench
which
sends more pleasure signals
waves of gooseflesh
nipples ache
and fluids seep from
inside me

When I am ready to orgasm
my body tightens
every muscle hums
like the string of a bow pulled back
pulled back farther
my nerves scream with built-up orgasmic energy
my nipples and clit pulse with every beat of my heart
my thighs tighten like a trap
my inner muscles clamp
clamp hard
on something or nothing
it does not matter

it
is the clamping down
again
and again
that
does
it

And I am flung

into orgasm
breath halted
mouth opened
my body lengthening
legs straightening
toes curling
muscles clenching
releasing
milking
nerves humming with excruciating pleasure
and then I hit

that

target

galvanized into motion
Yes! Yes!
breath released explosively
followed by a deep inhalation
released slowly in a long
sometimes loud
moan
that becomes gasps
as the after-shocks
rock me
inside
and
out
rocking me like a boat
languidly
and with an occasional jolt
of slowly ebbing orgasmic energy
mmmmmmmmmmm

The more stressed I am, the more I want sex. Want it to the point where I can find repeated statements in my journal to the effect that I felt I needed sex. Not comfort, not conversation, not food, not sleep. Sex. Which many people I know consider rather strange. “How can you want sex at a time like this?” is a question I was asked recently, and not for the first time.

I’ve noticed a correlation between my drive for sex and my exposure to stress, especially that very un-sexy form of stress relating to death and dying. Given that in the past three years there have been five cancer diagnoses, two non-cancer related catastrophic illnesses, two deaths, and one impending death in my family, as well as my tendency to write down my thoughts and experiences, I’ve got a wealth of anecdotal material chronicling my responses to this sort of stress. And my response is usually: “Let’s fuck!”

When I examine it from psychological perspective it makes a lot of sense: sex is the exercise of the procreative urge and thus the antithesis of death. It is an affirmation of life. From a biological standpoint, sex stimulates the release of four important molecules responsible for feelings of bliss: dopamine, anandamide, endorphins, and oxytocin. Now, when you’re sad, stressed, and anxious, doctors are always eager to offer anti-depressants, mood-elevators, and anti-anxiety meds, but I’ve found that none of them work so well as that hormonal cocktail my body releases when I’ve had a really good session in the bedroom  (or the bathroom, or the kitchen, or the beach, or… or…).

In some ways, I’m an orgasm-junkie. When I’m mad at my partner and my adrenaline is flowing, I want to fuck. Lets get some of that oxytocin and serotonin and vasopressin flowing as well. Frustrated at work? I take a break in my car or the ladies room for a quick release and almost instantaneous attitude adjustment. Sad? There’s nothing like a lover’s hands and eyes and voice to raise my spirits, make me feel loved and desired. Generally stressed? I want to lose myself in a world of pleasure and sensation and I seek it out as soon as I am able.

Now, as I’ve been researching the issue of Sex and Stress (see related articles below), I’ve noticed a lot of articles, reports, and blog posts stating that stress suppresses sex drive in men and women alike — which struck me as very odd. While I know I’m different in my own subtle ways, I am not a mutant freak of nature. So why is it that I turn to masturbation, intercourse, etc — self-soothing as my therapist used to call it — when everyone else seems to dry up to the point that sex seems to be the furthest thing on their minds?

The answer, I think, is that for most people, sex itself is stressful. Which totally sucks. The best stress-reliever in the world, the best source of bliss, well-being, and contentment drugs in the world — the act of making love with someone — is stressful for most people. Which makes me sad, and is a primary motivator for the erotic work I do: trying to make sex something positive in a society for which sexual self-expression has so many negative connotations.

There is a lot of material out there about how to deal with stress interfering with your sex life, but not so much out there about how to deal with feeling stressed about sex itself. Other than popping viagra or cialis, of course. Perhaps it is because there is a unspoken agreement that people should feel stressed about sex?  I don’t know.

What I do know is that sex is natural, desire is natural, and the desire for sex is natural. Sex produces a wide range of positive biochemical effects in people. And it is a great stress-reliever in and of itself. So the next time someone asks you “You want sex now? At a time like this?” say “Hell yeah!” and head for the nearest bed.

Related articles

• Sex, Stress, and Neurogenesis (scienceblogs.com)
• Sex or a Good Night’s Sleep? (lifescript.com)
• Sex Does a Body Good (lifescript.com)
• Well-laid and laid-back (psychology today)
• When it Comes to Sex and Dating, We Suck (chicagonow.com)
• Is It Still “Good Sex” If You Don’t Have an Orgasm? (marieclaire.com)
• 7 ways to beat stress for better sex (idiva.com)
• This just in: Sex relieves stress (salon.com)
• Stress: Sex is the first casualty (london times)
• The science of love (youramazingbrain.org)
• Sex and Death, Connection of (deathreference.com)

A: Deena, first I’d like to acknowledge your reasonableness about your husband using porn and phone sex when he’s away from home. A lot of women tend to feel threatened by this, and use anger over the expense of such outlets to hide from their true feelings. So good for you.

Secondly, I think you’re onto something. It is actually what got me started doing erotic audios in the first place — I had a lover who traveled three time-zones away quite a lot. The time-difference made connecting on the phone rather difficult and he said he missed the sound of my voice, so I recorded some naughty messages for him to listen to on his iPod. This had a tremendous impact on our relationship — it really heightened the intimacy. He liked having me as a focus for his masturbation fantasies, and I got aroused knowing he was stroking off to the sound of my voice whispering into his ears.

Now, to answer your question about my ideas for where to begin. There are two things to consider. The first is what you want to say, and the second is, how you are going to save it.

Choosing what you want to say can be difficult for most people. There are three things you can do:  talk dirty, tell a fantasy, or record yourself masturbating.

Many women aren’t practiced at “dirty talk” as we c0uld be. A lot of what we conceive of as dirty talk we get from pornos, and a lot of it sounds really cheesy from the outsider’s viewpoint. However, in the moment, when passions are up and you’re humping like mad, what flows from your lips is appropriate, no matter how slutty it sounds. In fact, the sluttier the better. Guys love it.

When it comes to making this audio for your husband, if you’re too self-conscious about talking dirty, you could always talk about a fantasy you have, perhaps one you’ve never felt comfortable sharing in person, but feel emboldened about when recording it for him (or her,  for that matter). Or talk about a mutual fantasy: the two of you in a three-way, or tying him up and doing naughty things to him. If even that idea leaves you tongue-tied, consider reliving one of  your favorite encounters with him:  the blowjob in the car, or that day you hiked up into the middle of nowhere, stripped naked, and screwed like mad, for example. And lastly, most men love to hear the sounds women make when we’re touching ourselves. I get many, many requests from listeners to please do more recordings of me masturbating. The nice thing about this is you don’t have to say anything at all — all you have to do is moan. And sigh. And gasp ;)

Once you’ve decided on what you’re going to say, choosing how to record and save it is your next step.  If you’ve got a laptop computer, you’ve probably got a built-in mic, and it is easy enough to fire up GarageBand or Audacity, follow the prompts, and start recording. When you’re done, you can save the file, usually to an .aif which is easy to export to your iPod. But if you’re intimidated by that idea, there is something simpler. Most smart phones today have a built-in app for recording voice memos. All you have to do is push the icon, speak into the phone like you normally would for a phone call, record your voice message, and email it off.

What follows is a 3 minute guided masturbation message I recorded using my iPhone’s Voice Memo app. When I finished recording, I listened to it and then emailed it directly to the gentleman I had in mind when I was speaking it.  You will notice that the quality of the audio produced by the phone is very different from the quality of my podcast. This has everything to do with the quality of the microphone. For podcast recording I use a $300 condenser microphone in a space designed to keep ambient noise to a minimum. Phones have low-quality directional mics. So don’t be discouraged if your end-result isn’t crystal-clear. It only takes a couple of seconds for one’s hearing to adjust to filter-out the white noise in the background, so your intended audience won’t even notice it.

[3 minute example recording inserted here]

So there you have it. A nice sexy little bit of home-made erotic audio designed to give idle hands something to do :)

I hope this how-to gives you the help you needed. Feel free to contact me with any questions, or even share your results. You can send an email to info@silkenonsex.com or leave a voicemail message at 415.935.4102.

If you enjoyed hearing the Meet My Maker episodes I told in June you can download the entire story without the podcast information at www.SilkenOnSex.com for $5.
Or buy the Silken On Sex iPhone app for $2.99 and get Meet My Maker free!

This podcast is sponsored by AdamAnd Eve.com — enter “SILKEN” into the offer code field and save 50% on any item!
For longer, steamier, CD-quality erotic audio stories visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com

Related articles:

• Masturbation: a singularly human pursuit (kottke.org)
• One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot. (scientificamerican.com)
• Dealing with Mismatched Libidos (lifescript.com)
• 5 Steps to Mastering Pillow Talk (lifescript.com)

Q: Dear Silkenvoice, I like listening to your podcasts and stories because your voice changes colors when I listen. Most recorded voices don’t. I know that sounds weird, but when I hear sounds, especially music and voices, I also see colors. The few people I’ve told about this think I’m making it up. Based on some of the things you say and the way you say them I am wondering if you are synesthetic, too? –Alan.

A: Always nice to meet a fellow synesthete, Alan. Supposedly 1 in 25 people experience a kind of sensory cross-linkage in which stimulating one sense also evokes another.  I’m not surprised that those you’ve told about it thought you were making it up. There really isn’t a vocabulary to describe seeing sounds or flavors as color,  when you’re sober ;) To most people it sounds like an acid trip, and since it is so rare, few people ever meet someone who is synesthetic, and of those who are, many do not know that there is a word for it. But don’t worry, you’re not imagining it. MRI and PET scans of the brains of synesthetic individuals do reveal that there are distinct neural differences. There’s nothing wrong with people who experience this. We’re just wired a little differently.

While I’m on the subject of synesthesia, I’ll also mention the Sensory Perception Sensitivity (SPS) that occurs in 20% of the population. People with SPS are usually called Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP).  I’ve not come across any research that links synesthesia to Sensitives, but it is my own experience, and that of a few others I know, that the two go together.  So what is an HSP?   I found a HubPage that explains it pretty well: HSPs “are people whose brains and central nervous systems are “wired” in such a way that they are more acutely aware of, and attuned to, themselves, other people, and their environment. As a result, a highly sensitive person is more easily stimulated and aroused by their surroundings, from which it follows that they also get more readily “overaroused” than most people.” They get over-sensitized. And they are often highly attuned to the energy, the emotional states, of those around them.

Like people who experience synesthesia, those with SPS have brains that process sensory input a bit differently, and in fact, in a recent study by Drs Arthur and Elaine Aron, MRIs show significantly greater activation in certain brain areas in people identified as Highly Sensitive. So, once again, people who think they experience the world a bit differently from others or think they are more sensitive to their environment than others aren’t imagining it. They really are wired differently. Some people really can hear the flowers sing.

So… what does all that have to do with sensuality and sexuality you might ask?

One could argue that synesthetic and highly sensitive people make great lovers. Imagine if you will, being in bed with a person for whom every sound you make creates something like a kaleidoscopic laser light show in their minds. Imagine being with someone for whom every brush of your fingers against the nape of her neck feels like direct clitoral contact. Imagine being with someone who finds the taste of your skin or the scent of your arousal an actual aphrodisiac. Imagine every pleasure you can feel and then imagine it coupled with other pleasures, or magnified, or both.

While many people who are synesthetic or highly sensitive may consider their acute sensory awareness a bit of a curse out in the “real world,” I think you’ll find that in the confines of the bedroom they are the most attentive, attuned, and present lovers you’ll ever find.

A: Paul, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. If you ever listen to Dan Savage, he cautions against what he calls the “death grip” during masturbation. He speaks to the vanilla community for the most part, but his words are applicable to practitioners of kinky/fetish sexuality as well. What does be mean by “death grip” masturbation? Finding what works and never deviating from it. Males discover at rather young ages that if they touch themselves in a certain way, it feels really, really good and then they cum. And having found that path to the ultimate superfeeling, they rarely try anything else. Do that for decades and it becomes more and more likely that you’ll “need” that specific stimulation to cum. Women also fall into the same trap.  We find a certain way of touching ourselves or a specific kind of vibrator or dildo that finally makes it possible for us to climax and then we stick to it, repeating as necessary, ad nauseum.

You say you are a fetishist, which means that some inanimate object (a shoe, a hairbrush, panties, etc) is sexually charged for you in ways that it is not for others. Often, this is tied to a childhood experience — like you were sitting under the kitchen table touching yourself and your mother walked in wearing a certain kind of shoe that was forever cemented in your memory. Maybe she even caught you touching yourself and shamed you. Turned you over her knee and pulled your pants down and spanked you with her hairbrush — which felt good because her soft skirt rubbed up against your naughty bits. These sorts of occurrences are usually the genesis of fetishes. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you, either. It was simply your first naughty “zing” experience and you’ve built more and more elaborate fantasies over it in order to keep that “naughty zing” feeling going.

So, assuming that you are healthy, ie that you aren’t a diabetic with neuropathy or taking medication that interferes with arousal or blood-flow, there isn’t anything wrong with you.  When, as you’ve said in your case, you can only achieve orgasm if the circumstances are just-so, and that bothers you or your partner, well, then I would say that you have a problem rather than that there is something wrong. If, for example, you can’t cum unless you are on your knees masturbating imagining a woman in a black latex catsuit whipping your cock with a crop, well, likely this is because you’ve spent years fine-tuning this fantasy. I would be surprised if it wasn’t getting harder and harder for you to climax or that you are having to imagine more and more extreme things in order to get off. If this is indeed the case, change is in order.

First, I’d like to remind you that sex isn’t necessarily about climaxing. Most women get this, because many of us cannot achieve orgasm during intercourse. If most women don’t cum during sex (or even masturbation), you might be thinking “why bother?” The answer is simple: we do it because it feels good.

Second, let go of your death grip and get back in touch with your body. Empty your mind — don’t entertain your normal fantasies, don’t look at your usual porn. If you absolutely must engage your mind, locate erotic stories in text or audio formats in a completely different genre than your usual. Change hands. Close your eyes. Explore your body. Touch those places you never touch. Tease your nipples. Twiddle with the shaft-skin, especially the frenulum just underneath the head of your cock. On many men it can be as sensitive as a woman’s clit but most never know they’ve got such an amazing pleasure point there. Play with your balls — roll them around, tug on the skin. Press behind and underneath your balls until you feel it deep inside, where your prostate is.  Try toys for men, like the Aneros or the Fleshlight. I recommend them often and none of the men I know who’ve tried them have any regrets, except perhaps that they didn’t try them sooner.

Third, when you find a new method of stimulation that you can come from, repeat it a couple of times to make sure you’ve got it down, and move on. Keep trying to discover new ways to make yourself come. Think of it as a scavenger hunt with your body as the map and each new way of coming as buried treasure just waiting to be discovered.

And four, invite your partner to participate. Men are used to doing a lot of work to make a woman cum, what with all the finger and tongue action, the toys, the positions, the faster, the slower, the right-there-don’t-stop etc. Ask your wife for the same courtesy. Invite her to help you explore your body and discover new erogenous zones that will give you the same zing you felt when you first discovered what sexual pleasure was.

If none of the above works for you, try finding a sex therapist or sex coach — a sexological bodyworker, for example  — or a local group focused on exploring tantric sex. The important thing is to recognize that your habitual way of masturbating now has control of your sexuality and to commit to doing whatever it takes to reclaim that control.

And lastly, Paul, thank you for the compliment on my voice. I do, indeed, record custom audio stories, guided masturbation sessions, and more. Email me if you want more information.

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Bored with your sex life?  Looking for a way to spice things up? Silkenvoice spins hot erotic stories for your listening pleasure. Visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com for audibly erotic tales that are intimately told.

A: I started with anal sex around age 19 or 20. The reason? My boyfriend at the time was too long for me. Weird, eh? I have a retroverted uterus, and I can put a finger inside me and feel my cervix right there, so you can imagine, I just don’t have a lot of room. Bleeding after vigorous vaginal sex is not uncommon. So… I decided to try anal.

And loved it.

Over the years I’ve learned some things I am happy to pass along:

1. Prepare with foreplay. Stimulate that spot with a finger or even a bullet vibe. Put a small toy in and wiggle it around. Tease it. Relax and grow comfortable with the feeling of something “up in there.”
2. There is such a thing as too much lube. Too much lube means the cock slides in too fast, which makes me see stars. It can also mean too little friction — and friction is what makes for those amazing anal orgasms.
3. Some women are sensitive to the prostaglandins in semen, so if you’re going to have anal, its a good idea to use a condom so she doesn’t cramp up later on. And if you are going to use a condom, don’t use a latex one because…
4. The best lube I’ve found yet, in 20 years of anal sex, is cocoa butter creme (which is oil-based and so latex might break). Rub a dab into her rosebud and the head of your cock and you will have a good ride with just enough friction and not too much glide.
5. Use a Magic Wand or other vibrator on her clit. Get it firmly pressed there. The pleasure from the clitoral stimulation will help ease the initial pain of penetration.
6. Tell her to wriggle her ass. Once the head of the cock pops through, it is going to hurt. So wriggling your ass around on that cock really helps.
7. Let her do the pushing. Let her push herself back up onto you. Have her do her Kegels — clench and release her muscles on your cock. Good muscle control really makes a difference, and clenching and releasing early on makes it easier to get past the pain, relax, and get into the actual sex.
8. Tell her it is ok  to say “stop!”  For many women it can be excruciating to have a partner continue thrusting after she’s climaxed.

And one last thing: It is fair for her to say “You first!” I generally don’t let a man near my ass until I’ve shown him how it is done — on him. So if you really want to try anal sex then consider inviting her to play with your ass first. Every man I’ve introduced to the pleasures of anal play has loved it. (But that is a story for another day).

Bottom line, there are as many nerve endings around your anus as there are around your mouth. Yes, anal sex can be intensely painful, but it can also be intensely pleasurable. Anal sex is why “It hurts so good” was coined. Once you’ve had a combined anal and clitoral (or penile) orgasm, you will *get* why there are so many anal enthusiasts out there ;)

Good luck.

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Q: Lately I’ve been struggling with monogomy. My partner is a good man and a considerate lover, but sometimes I want to be with a woman, to enjoy a relationship with a woman. Is it wrong to want a mistress?

A: Not at all. One of the fallacies we are socialized to accept as truth is that one person can be all things to another. We find people attractive before we enter a committed relationship, and we will find people attractive afterward. It is unlikely that a single partner can meet all of one’s sexual desires all the time. But more than that, it is about energy. Dyad (monogamous) relationships are often closed systems. The couple gets wrapped up in each other during the NRE (new relationship energy) phase, usually to the exclusion of other people. Which can temporarily heighten that NRE high, but inevitably leads to an energy crash as the novelty wears off and there are no external sources of energy/stimulus to recharge. This is why serial monogamy occurs. It is a cycle of NRE high, crash, recharge, repeat. Which is a shame, because, usually, what we love about people doesn’t change, even if the qualities of the relationships do.

Why should a relationship that works in 90% of the areas of your life end? Choose happiness: negotiate sexual variety with your partner, instead. If you are both aware of what is going on, its not cheating. And when both partners are part of the process, the extra-marital sex tends to be less risky, both with regards to STDs and emotional health. For more information, I recommend looking into Polyamory. It is a growing “alternative lifestyle” group with support groups in most major cities and extensive online resources.

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Q: “Can you please write something on achieving multiple orgasms??? I find that after oral, when I have an orgasm, it’s over. I am over-sensitive and ticklish. Tips please?”

A: The medical establishment now recognizes that multiple orgasms are possible, and not just porn flick mythology. According to Barbara Bartlik, MD, at Weill Medical College, all women capable of achieving orgasms are capable of achieving multiple orgasms.

That said, the ability to have multiple orgasms is learned — in much the same way we learn to get that first one. And once you’ve done the hard work of getting the first one, the others are easier.

How do I know this? Well, I learned about multiple orgasms through the forced orgasm kink. I had a wonderfully sensual Dominant partner who tied me up and made me come over and over again, ignoring my begging and screaming for him to stop. After an hour I’d come a dozen times and was completely wrung out. I was limp, my body occasionally rippled with post-orgasmic jolts, and I was incapable of speaking coherently. Sounds great, right? Yes and no. I didn’t want to give up control of my clit, so someone had to take it from me. And for someone naturally dominant, it was akin to torture. After that breakthrough, however, I got it and never lost it. Having multiple orgasms is sort of like riding a bicycle.

So… tips on achieving multiple orgasms:

1) On the physical side, in order to achieve additional orgasms, you must press past the sensitivity and languidness that you feel after your initial one. I know how excruciatingly sensitive your clit is after coming, but you, or you partner, needs to keep going, to keep the arousal level up. You don’t necessarily have to keep stimulating the clitoris immediately afterwards. I have been known to climb up the headboard to avoid direct clitoral stimulation after coming (which is where being tied up can come in handy :) Instead, you can back off of it and focus on other errogenous zones, but within a couple of minutes, you must return to the clit, preferably with a vibrator of some sort. Fingers or a dildo applying hard and fast direct pressure to the G-Spot while the clitoris is stimulated will make a woman come, and can make us squirt, too :) Just make sure you have lots of lubrication, preferably your own. Orgasms have half-lifes. What I mean by that is this: if it takes you 20 minutes for your first one, it make take 10 for the second, and 5 for the third, and then eventually, they just come hard and fast one after the other until the stimulation ends or you are completely exhausted. Eventually, for some women, the toys aren’t necessary. Many of us have trained ourselves to come on demand. It is a mental ‘trick’ of sorts — like a button that rises up when we are sufficiently aroused, and that we can push whenever we want.

2) On the mental/emotional side, the only way you are going to be able to have multiple orgasms is if you are completely open to it. You must trust yourself and your partner, and you must relax into it. The wrong kinds of stress or attention to the topic will simply distract you. You need to push your mind and the critical little voice in your head that says “my inner thighs are too fat I wish he wouldn’t caress them” etc, ASIDE. Your partner thinks you are beautiful and desirable or he or she wouldn’t be there. Your body is a sensory array. Allow yourself to feel with it. Let go and lose yourself in the pure sensuality of the moment. It is a gift to yourself and your partner.

3) Readiness and Build-up. This is what must come first, really, but I mention it last because it is more detailed:

Make sure you are rested. If your body is too tired, too stressed, or your mind too active, you will have a difficult time climaxing once, never mind several times.

In order for you to have good strong multiple orgasms, you need to have good, strong pubococcygeus muscles (PC). You can find Kegel exercises online that describe how to work the PC muscles in the pelvis — the exercise is a lot like ‘holding it’ when you have to pee. I do my Kegels all the time — when I’m driving, standing in line, laying in bed, etc. A secondary effect of these exercises is arousal. I tend to get hard nipples and wet panties when I do my kegels, and since I do them all the time, well… I’m almost always aroused. I can even come just from doing those exercises, if I want to, but I usually hold off. I let the arousal build up over the course of the day, and when I do have sex, I *need* more than one orgasm to feel sated. Its awesome!

Having mulitple orgasms is like a good workout with a sauna afterwards. You feel a little shaky, you sweat, and are purified. There is no more tension left in your body, and your mind is uncluttered. Some Buddhists liken enlightenment to orgasm, and after multi-orgasmic sex I always understand why.

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If you’re like most of Silken’s audience, you want your erotic material explicit and kinky, but also sensual and intimate. Visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com — where high-quality erotic audios are the norm, and the fantasies are exceptional.

One of my female listeners contacted me recently with some questions:

I must admit that I’m envious of you, Silken. You express yourself so eloquently and you describe experiences that are beyond my wildest imaginings. Tame as it may be, my greatest fantasy these days is to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Why can’t I come? Do you have any advice for me?

I do. And the advice that follows is good for women and their lovers to hear:

For men, orgasm is required for procreation, and so you’ve evolved to go from limp to ejaculation in 3 minutes. For women all that is necessary is to have an egg in the chute. So if orgasm isn’t necessary, why is it possible? Well, part of it is that women have the same or simlar muscles that are involved in male orgasm. But the other part, I think, has to do with keeping men around–so listen up guys. In terms of procreation, if a male has no way of knowing when a female is fertile, then his object is to have intercourse with her as often as possible until she is impregnated — and what better way to make sure you will be welcomed again and again than to make a woman come?

In my experience, in order for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, she must be comfortable with herself and her partner, and highly aroused.

To facilitate your goal of orgasm during intercourse, my first recommendation would be to masturbate frequently–if you can’t come solo, it is unlikely that you will be able to come with anyone else. For me, any excuse to masturbate will do, especially when I am feeling frustrated. Most women need an erotic fantasy in their minds, whether it is watching a sexy movie, reading or listening to erotica like mine or playing through your own personal sexual fantasy. It is important to begin with this, with getting your mind into the mood, because your body will follow, and your mind and body both have to be aroused in order for orgasm to happen.

If you have difficulty climaxing with masturbation, I would recommend purchasing a Hitachi Magic Wand. It is an amazing vibrator, useful both for sex and for muscle massage. There are different places to press the vibrator–some women put it directly over the clit(with or without padding) while others, like me, press it against the pubic arch between the clit and the vaginal opening, or against the perineum between the vaginal opening and the anus. Experiment. There is no wrong way to do it–however it feels best is what is best for you.

Once you’ve got masturbating to orgasm down, I recommend that you invite your partner to watch you. He or she can learn a lot from watching where you touch yourself, what tempo you use, and what your body language looks like as your arousal level peaks. From there, the next step would be to let your partner help with your masturbation, whether it is massaging your clit or nipples, or slipping fingers inside you. A woman’s capacity for pleasure is immense and women are amazing when they climax — most partners are only to happy to be a part of the process.

I had difficultly climaxing with partners when I was younger, in fact, for years, the only way I could come during penetrative sex was with a vibrator on my clit and my partner pushed deep inside me with my legs locked around his hips. Once I got coming in that position down, I tried others. Doggie style with a vibrator on my clit was amazing, and in that position, it is possible to do the pre-orgasm muscle-lock without interfering with his pumping action. I also find that sitting astride my partner with the vibrator on my clit is a great way to climax–supposedly the easiest position for most women. In discovering what works for you, you must learn not to be shy about experimenting and asserting what you want, whether it is “Right there. Don’t stop”, or “Move a little to the left.” Also, Don’t expect your partner to be a mindreader, especially when you yourself aren’t certain about what you want. You might also consider inviting him or her to be a part of the process, lending your their experience and creativity.

I also recommend something many people don’t think about: Anal stimulation. There are as many nerve endings around that little spot as there are on your lips. This means that your ass is very sensitive and can be a source of tremendous pleasure. There are little bullet vibes that can be pressed against it — you don’t need penetration to experience incredible sensations. However, I can say that the most consistently amazing orgasms I’ve had involve anal penetration so I encourage you to go to an online shop like www.BabeLand.com and look at what toys are recommended for anal play.

For most women, vibrators and other toys are an integral part of sexual intercourse, and most partners, male and female alike, understand and accept it. Most people are willing to do whatever it takes to see that our partners get to experience the pinnacle of pleasure.

Ultimately, achieving orgasm, solo or with others, and with or without toys is about you. Being comfortable in your own skin, being comfortable exploring your body, and being comfortable finding erotic material that arouses you. Own your body. Relax into it. Accept the challenge of mastering your own pleasure. Recognize that youy don’t have to come to feel very, very good. Build on the erotic energy and you will come.

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If you’re seeking erotic stories that are both literate and realistic, raunchy and well-written, visit the shop at SilkenOnSex.com — where high-quality erotic audios are the norm, and the fantasies are exceptional.

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Q: Hi! I have a question. I’ve only ever been with men who are circumcized. I’ve dated a few who weren’t but we never got as far as sex because there is something about an uncircumcized penis that turns me off. I’ve recently heard from a couple of my girlfriends that they prefer their parners to be ‘intact’. What gives? Is there really a difference between cut and uncut men?

A: Yes there is a difference. The obvious difference is that a man who is intact has extra skin that covers his penis, whereas a cut man’s penis is exposed. You may find this difference unaesthetic. A lot of North American women who are not used to intact males do. But beyond aesthetics there are personal experiences and scientific data. I will go over both.

My own personal experience is that circumcized men have less sensitivity and tend to need more stimulation / time in order to achieve orgasm. There are benefits and drawbacks to this, from a woman’s perspective. A man needing longer to achieve orgasm means a woman has a better chance of getting hers, too. But the decreased sensitivity is problematic, because as the levels of desensitization increase, a man may need something other than penile stimulation to orgasm. He may need to visualize something in his mind, see something erotic to him, or have anal stimulation, or pain to push him over the edge. With intact men, the area of the penis that is protected by the foreskin is extremely sensitive — like lips, or like a clitoris — while the foreskin itself is sensitive on the inside and less so on the outside. I find that the levels of sensitivity of the glans and the ridge of the glans makes oral sex with an uncut man a lot more fun, as they are far more responsive. Lastly, I know men who were circumcized and went through the long and painful process of regrowing their foreskins, and they report that sex is much more pleasurable now that the head of the penis is not constantly exposed and chafed by clothing. I also know men who were circumcized as teens/adults. Most of them report that masturbation and sex are a lot less satisfying, and in many cases, frustrating, because they have difficulties achieving orgasm. I personally have concerns about the long-term effects of circumcision, particularly with regards to impotence. It makes sense to me that if my clitoris rubbed up against my panties every day for 40+ years, it would be very difficult for me to become aroused, no matter how much it is stimulated. Perhaps the huge market for impotency drugs like Cialis and Viagra here in the West is tied to the practice of circumcision. I think it bears more scrutiny, at any rate.

As for the scientific data: The intact human foreskin is richly innervated (has a lot of nerve-endings, like lips do) and contains holocrine glands (exocrine glands that produce protective lubricants). The human foreskin represents more than one third of the intact penis’s skin. Just as removing innervated skin or body parts has been found to affect the sensory pathways of the brain, scientists are researching the implication that removal of the foreskin affects sexual sensations and pathways, resulting in lowered excitability and a higher threshold for sexual arousal. A result of circumcision is the keratinization and desensitization of the surface epithelium of the glans penis. When the moistening, protective covering of the glans penis is removed, the skin on the surface of the glans penis dries out and becomes toughened and callused. Lastly, Dr. George Denniston (Clinical Asst Professor in Family Medicine, and Board Certified in Preventive Medicine) states that there is a correlation between the high incidence of impotence and circumcision in America. He also debunks the myth that circumcision is necessary for purposes of hygiene. Infections of the foreskin are rare, and there is statistically significant evidence that circumsized contract and spread STD’s more readily than intact men do.

Circumcision is a hot-button topic in the medical community in the US. There is a lot of vehement defence of circumcision, though, probably because of the known emotional impact of circumcision and bias among researchers. Since I was once a bio-researcher, I can say that it is not uncommon to design a study or experiment that proves the result one wishes to arrive at. Pharmaceutical companies do it all the time ;)

In sum: Yes, there is a difference. Emotional impacts aside, a circumsized penis is less sensitive after years of exposure to air and clothing, and circumcision is a likely culprit in both the impotency and HIV epidemics in the US. For more information, find your nearest search engine and input your question.

I received an email from someone the other day asking:

Hey Silken, this whole polyamory thing makes me nervous because I’m paranoid about getting an STD.  Doesn’t being poly increase your risk of STDs? I’d think poly people practice safe sex, but doesn’t that get in the way of intimacy?

1) There is no such thing as “safe sex”.  Not even masturbation is safe sex, since you can give yourself something if you don’t keep your toys clean. So, when we take precautions, it is safer-sex, but its still not 100% safe.

Q:  I’ve noticed that you’ve mentioned a few positions that are easy for you to climax in. What is your favorite, and why?

A: There are a lot of ways to have sex. I’ve had sex in lots of interesting places, both private and public, and I’ve enjoyed lots of positions and permutations since I’ve never limited myself to one gender or just two to a bed. But that said… well… When it comes down to it, my favorite position is missionary. It sounds boring, I know, but for me there is something magical about the intimacy of the missionary position. Yes, there are other positions in which I have more intense orgasms, but its not about that.

For me, there is nothing like having someone I feel deeply for over me, on me, in me. There is something about opening up, physically and emotionally. About looking into each other and sharing of ourselves. And the more comfortable I feel with my partner, the more likely I am to be open and free and, yes, multi-orgasmic.

“Why is it so difficult for me to get my O when I’m with my lover?” An online friend asked me almost despairingly. Which got me thinking.

In many ways, one could say that a woman’s sensual energy is boundless, and that when she readies herself for her lover she opens a gate to her sensual self. This gate is the barrier of restraint, and beyond it lies the Land of Pleasure. We know this land, and we do so love crossing over into it, and yet most women rarely enter. Why? Because we have a near-infinite capacity for pleasure, and men do not. Because arousal for us is not the flipping of a switch, but the unfolding of a flower following the rising sun. Because men aren’t as intuitive as they could be. And because the habit of disappointment is difficult to break. How often do women open themselves to full arousal only to find that their lover has finished just as she was getting started? What woman doesn’t half-expect her burgeoning arousal to become instant irritation because her boyfriend misread the signals and gave her nipples a hard tweak instead of a suck?

In their defense, men aren’t mind-readers — and neither are women. Each of us has a fair chance of getting our needs met if we communicate them clearly, provided that we understand what those needs are. And this is where it can get tricky for women. We need the long build-up. We need our minds aroused first, and then our bodies follow. We need to feel connected to our bodies, to be fully present to the pleasures of our own flesh before we are ready to grant a lover access. Only, sadly enough, many women don’t even know this about themselves. This lack of coherency means we expect our partners to intuit our needs — or expect them to fail miserably. Thus the habit of disappointment.

My recommendation to men is to begin the seduction of their lovers 5 or 6 hours before they hope for consummation. Send suggestive text messages to her cell phone. Leave an innocent voicemail in your sexiest voice. Tell her you can’t get the scent of her off your mind. Remind her of an encounter that you know was pleasurable for you both. Depending on how she responds, build the tension up. Ask her to remove her panties. See if she will meet you at lunch to give them to you. Message her that you have to go into a meeting but your cock is hard from the memory of her taste / smell / skin / sounds. Ask her to take off from work an hour early so she can go for a massage / pedicure, or to find the surprise waiting for her at home. Be creative, appreciative, and if possible, both raunchy and respectful. Women have their raunchy sides and they’d show them more often if not for the fear of seeming ‘less’ in their lovers eyes.

And my advice to women? Take the time to open the gate to your sensual self — prepare yourself for your lover. Take a long bath in scented water. Shave yourself slowly, letting your fingers trail over the smooth skin. Imagine your lover’s enjoyment of that silken flesh. Rub oil into your skin — everywhere. Touch yourself. Enjoy the weight of your breasts and the sensitivity of your nipples. Slide your hands down over your hips and dip them between your thighs. Caress your neck and shoulders. Put your hair up in a suggestive bedroom-do. Wear something soft, something that makes you feel sexy. Tease him with naughty messages. Tell him you’re not wearing panties. Wear a garter belt and stockings under your skirt on a windy day, and enjoy the knowledge that you’ve made several men happy when you walked by. Flirt. Exercise. Glow with happiness and sensuality. Be feminine in a way that is natural to you. Tell your lover exactly what you want, in the most explicit language you can use. Do these things and you can walk through the gate to the Land of Pleasure without fear of disappointment. You will be ready for a banquet of sensuality, and he will be your devoted diner.

In this episode, Silken answers a question she’s been asked rather often lately: “You are a smart woman, how will you vote, and why?”by giving voice to her thoughts on politics, the politicization of sexuality, and her opinion about Campaign 2008.