Thoughts

Authenticity in Porn equals Quality

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Authenticity in Porn equals Quality

When I watch a lot of the Big Name porn out there, I find myself wanting to yell at my screen: “Give me something to identify with!” I’ve found myself thinking that there has to be something better than the over-produced movies with the uber-perfect actors that have an utterly impersonal feel, and the really bad, poorly mic’d, poorly acted porn flicks. I usually prefer amateur porn, because at least I get to see something authentic: real people going at it for real. Authenticity is the key to that elusive “something” that most of us call quality erotic material. Authenticity opens the door to intimacy and connection — the two things people want most, I think. In a lot of ways porn is easier than erotica. People who pick porn want to get off watching other people having sex. Simple enough. But what happens when I want something a little…

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The Bully and the Bitch

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The Bully and the Bitch

Given the subject matter that I write about, I am continually reminded of how many men out there have submissive sexual tendencies and are looking for a dominant woman. Which is natural, I know. There are various statistics out there, supported by studies of everything from schoolyards and fraternities to dance clubs and tribal societies, which basically state that a very small percentage of humans are leaders, and the rest follow them. I suppose it would be fair to say that humans are pack/herd animals. But what does this have to do with submissive sexuality? People confuse power and sex all the time, probably because, from an evolutionary standpoint, those who are powerful are the ones who get sex. But in contemporary terms, powerful leaders are inspiring, charismatic. They have an energy that is infectious, that excites people to sign on with whatever the leader is turned on by, regardless…

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Q: Is my fantasy unhealthy?

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Q: Is my fantasy unhealthy?

I received an email from a listener today and I thought I’d share it because this gentleman isn’t as alone as he thinks and I see this as a great opportunity to address a topic that creates a lot of ambivalence and shame in people: The problem is I’ve become obsessed with the idea of ‘forced orgasm’ and rape and I dont know if I should hate myself for it.  I understand that such fantasies are acceptable in women because they are actually still in control so its not a breach of their consent.  But I wondered if it was ok for men to have these fantasies – given that from a male perspective, consent is imagined to be denied. Is it worse for men to have these fantasies than women? Should I try to focus on more healthy fantasies? My response to him was: This is a very controversial…

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Pathos, Eros and Aramis

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Pathos, Eros and Aramis

The weather is California cliche: the sun is bright, the sky is a cloudless blue. The scent of California bay and eucalyptus waft by on a sea breeze. Children splash in the pool. Laughter bounces around the courtyard. From my chair on the balcony I try to extend my senses, to feel something, anything, but what I’m feeling now. Pathos. I am doing my best to be present with my body, to understand how this pathos feels, not just emotionally, but physically. Right now, pathos feels under-oxygenated. My breath is shorter, faster. It no longer fills my center. My muscles are tight. Twitchy. Restless. My shoulders ride higher, up near my ears.  I feel it in my gut, too, the tightness. An ache has settled in my chest, my eyes. It is a long list. This is what anxiety and anguish feels like in the flesh. In my head, it…

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Desire as something sacred

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Desire as something sacred

I think that ‘desire’ is perhaps the single most misunderstood concept in the world today, so before I write any more on the subject, I should probably clarify what I mean by ‘desire’. In the context of what I am thinking, desire is more than just sexual longing… Desire is the energy that strives for transcendence. It is the unending quality of yearning that drives us to persevere, regardless. I am coming to see Desire — the energy that is Desire, not the act of desiring — I am coming to see it as something sacred. I am shifting from an ego-based identification with desire into a more reflective consciousness that permits an appreciation of what is sacred in the mundane world. In learning to see Desire as sacred, there is a transformation in the way I view and experience a lot of things… Society teaches us that it is…

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Summer Reads: The Bitch in the House & The Bastard on the Couch

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Summer Reads: The Bitch in the House & The Bastard on the Couch

I’ve been reading “The Bitch in the House” edited by Cathi Hanauer. The subtitle of the book is: 26 Women Tell the Truth about Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood, and Marriage. The premise is women writing a response to the question “Why are women angry?” Cathy woke up one day and realized that she had everything she could possibly want: a house in the country, two children, a good husband, a great career…and despite all that, she was mad as hell. She talked to her women friends, who were also primarily writers, and they were all angry, too. So she asked them to write about their rage, and the book came about. Some of the essays I relate to, some of them I don’t. I mean, women writing about how they miss the boys their husbands once were, or how their children’s demands cut into their “me time” doesn’t really affect…

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Hetero Amity

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Hetero Amity

What a painful thing it is to realize that I live in a society that devalues friendship. Especially hetero-sexual friendship. Friendship is a source of love and acceptance and communion. And yet, women are encouraged to see other women as mere competitors, and men as potential providers and mates. And men, they are encouraged to develop the same mindset. Their male friends are buddies with whom they jokingly compete, and women are objects to be desired. So it seems that friendships between men and women, even in this post-sexual revolution era, are awkward and easily discouraged. This, despite the fact that friendships between men and women provide amazing benefits. Men can express to women the thoughts and feelings that they would never express to other men, the thoughts and feelings that society considers weak and unmanly, and have them validated. And women, knowing economic independence and reproductive choice, can go…

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The Scent of Sexual Surrender

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The Scent of Sexual Surrender

Silken on Sex #74: Most of what I write and record is based on personal experiences. Deliciously intense erotic experiences. As I’m writing this now, I’m intoxicated. By wine and other things. Other things? You are probably asking yourself. Yes, other things. Like the fragrance of ‘us’ wafting up from between my thighs. I was puttering around in my vocal booth (for recording audios) when my lover surprised me there. I was on tip-tip toes, my arms spread wide above my head, when his hands closed around my wrists, pressing them down onto a shelf. He pressed himself against me, scraping his shadow along the back of my neck. I moaned. How could I not? There is something about that burning scrape that is so pleasurable that my skin pebbles and I gasp. And moan. And I ground myself back against him, arching my back, wriggling my hips and ass…

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Explore Your Sexuality

From my lips to your ears

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